Sunday, July 20, 2003
MISTER INDEPENDENT
The Damage Report - Year 2 - Starting Week #07
Background Music: "The Loneliest Person" by Slender
NOTE: This is a weekly blog entry that summarizes a series of events of a finished week in and around La Salle.
THE sound of the waves on the seashore in this small isolated island was at the same pace with my breathing. Each breath I could inhale the freshness of a new-born evening. The sun had sank half-way into the sea and the skies couldn't be anymore beautiful.
The cool air blew across my face while my feet remained buried in the sand still warm by the afternoon. I was sitting down by myself next to a rock. Silence.
***
I think I've just experienced the worstest weekend so far I've had. A sanctuary of peace that is supposed to be my home and my room didn't exist. It was more chaotic in the house this weekend than in a whole school week.
I came home last Friday night after a tiring Preliminary Examination week. My parents picked me up with the CR-V and on the way home I wanted to ask them the usual questions. "So, who visited the house this past week?". Like usual, they wouldn't reply immedietly.
Dad kept driving. Mom kept staring at the road. I was in the very center of the CR-V cabin and I didn't annoy them. I just asked simple questions to start a conversation. A conversation that was going no where.
I finally got irritated with the one-way conversation. I decided to just txt any of my friends and just look out the window. The Robinson's Place Dasmariñas was starting to look more finished. Well, except the parking lot. It's still nothing but mountains of mud and dirt.
You could also see two or three cranes with lights on them somewhere nearby. That was for the SM City Dasmariñas. Talk about malls. I think by my 3rd Year College, there will be four malls available from DLSU-D. Waltermart for the basic needs. Robinsons Imus (who would go there with Robinsons Dasmariñas?) as the standard mall. And of course Robinsons Dasmariñas and SM City Dasmariñas down the road. It'll be cool. So many choices.
We passed by Metrogate and down the dim highway towards Trece Martirez. Still, no conversation. It's like picking me up was a hassle or a chore.
I know my parents are tired. They're handling the construction of the house. But I'm also tired because I've just been battered by a series of exams. But do I show that to them? Do I complain about being tired? No. I just hide that from them and want to talk to them like normal.
But they are tired. And they show it to me that they are tired. And they don't show any kind of enthusiasm.
This past weekend, I've had a fit between me and my parents. Right now, as much as I love them, I don't want to grow up and be like them.
If I were to be like my dad, my greatest dream in life is to sit back and watch the vegtables I planted out in the backyard grow.
If I were to be like my mom, I would be anti-social. I would shut the world away from me and live happily in the house with my spouse.
I love people for their variety, and my parents are definantly that. If that's the way they are, I accept that. But for me to grow up, stay in the house and watch the plants grow... that isn't something I want to do.
Like in that movie I watched Friday night after I had an argument with my mom. "The Other Side of Heaven". This young man from the 1950s from a farm town named Idaho Falls is a Christian Missionary in the islands of the Pacific.
He was on his own. This true-life story touched me. I mean, it's exactly what I needed last Friday night. Hope. Hope that I won't be an irresponsible man for the rest of my life. Hope that I can change and be just like that young man in the movie, who happens to be portrayed by Christopher Gorham from a show I watched before named Popular.
He preached the gospel. He made people and villagers smile. He had someone by his side, a best friend. He was engaged I believe to a girl back home. He made certain realizations while he was away from family and friends.
Add that to my love of scenery and islands... and you got me drooling over a dream I wish could come true just for one week.
To break free and breathe new life and energy to this weared out George typing right in front of this computer screen.
Sigh.
If that guy could do all those things. I believe I can too.
One reason I've decided to maintain my course heading in Broadcast Journalism is to spread the good news. The media is so powerful and can be misued so easily if it's in the hands of the wrong people. But if there are more people who can use the media for greater good... to touch the hearts of even the most sinister man on earth... then why not?
***
I'm drawing away from my point. My weekend has been a mix of sudden ambitions and arguments. Perhaps ambition is the wrong word to use. Ambition seems to be a goal locked on ones' self. Maybe VISION is the word.
Right now I really want to talk with my parents. But they don't seem to listen. They don't know it, but they're making me feel like I'm one of their tasks. Oh, here comes George for the weekend, gotta pick him up and drop him back.
I don't want to fight back unless there's an absolute reason to fight back. Right now, there is a good reason to fight back. But I'm not fighting. I'm leaving it to silence and a bit of isolation. I just turned 18 and this is how it starts. This event seems to be an impulse to push me to become more independent.
I think that's exactly what they want. I'm trying, but they're not interested. My dad has this mentality where he won't look at anything in a store unless he knows he's buying it. To me, that's wrong. Examples of disasters because of that mentality? The house. I feel like he didn't plan anything when building the house in the first place... so now it's this box-shaped one-storey Bungalow with absolutely no taste and no style. We've been living in Military housing for years which look typical and plain. Is he trying to re-create the houses back inside of the US Base in Okinawa? Huh?
Then the thing that hurt me the most this weekend. When my mom suddenly made the remark that "all my friends are plastik (fake/backstabbers)".
That remark made me furious.
My parent don't know me. They only know my negative sides. I am a slow eater and I am slow on the get-ready. I complain too much and I answer my parents in dire situations.
They say "Other kids like you don't talk back to their parents..."
I would always like to reply "When you refer to other kids, are you talking about kids born and raised in the Philippines or born and raised in the United States?"
Because tradition has it that children born here in the Philippines respect their parents completely. In the Land of Liberty (United States), children are raised and have the tendency to question their parents authority... where the parents can reply and the children can reply... like a viscious cycle.
I don't yell at my parents and I don't curse at them like in some American families. I share the best of both worlds here, I control myself to question them and still discipline myself to Filipino values.
They expect me to suddenly pretend I was born and raised here in the Philippines. I am robbed the identity THEY gave ME in the first place. My parents raised me abroad and they should expect me to act like a child raised from abroad. But that's not how it works. They betray that principle and expect me to act like any other good son here in the Philippines.
If I was born and raised here, I will act the way people act here. But it wasn't my damn choice where I was going to be born and be raised! My mom dropped me in Philadelphia back in '85 and until '98 they toured me from Pennsylvania to Okinawa, Japan. This is an outrage.
It feels like I'm the only one who understands that. I am sick and I am tired of being the one to adjust to others without having them move an inch to adjust to me in return. In friendship this past week and now in the family this past weekend. It's getting on my fucking nerves.
***
When my mom said those words it showed she didn't care to know me better. My parents see the negative in me and use it against me. I also have a positive too! But they don't show they care about that.
They think giving me my allowance is showing they love me? That's wrong. My allowance is my basic survival needs in College.
They think they know me by looking at my negative sides all the time? That's wrong. I have a positive side that they refuse to look at.
If they want to know me, they need to show they know the things that matter to me the most. FRIENDS.
They don't look into that. They don't. They have absolutely no damn interest in what I do at DLSU-D. I bet, if they ever read this, they will say that they do.
Ok. Game. Bring it on. Questions: "Who is my best friend?" ... "What is my Major subject right now?" ... "When is my Washday?" ... "What Organizations am I affiliated with?"
Do they even read the articles I write? I know dad did, but did my mom? I don't seem to get any reactions. That includes my friends. I haven't had any serious feedback on my Staffer's Corner from my classmates. I'm not expecting, but when dead silence is what you get... you'll end up wondering.
***
A tip to my parents: Get to know your son better by starting to learn his positive sides. Get closer to him because in just a few years, he's outta the house and working in different places.
A tip to my friends: It doesn't hurt to ask more questions.
***
We went to church on Saturday afternoon and still I wasn't in a good mood. I wanted to talk to God in my thoughts and only to him. I didn't visit any of the Saints. I just knelt longer than usual and begged God for forgiveness and begged God to give me a sign that I'm not the only one doing something wrong.
This Sunday afternoon we went to SM Southmall. I bought "Shrek" and "Star Trek: Nemesis" VCDs and "Beyonce: Dangerously in Love" CD instead of Stacie Orrico's self-titled album.
I also bought a package of socks, new underwear (super soft cotton ones... fuck, I'm excited to wear 'em), and a new sando.
I also bought a new SMARTMEDIA card for my digital camera. It's 64 MB, four times bigger than the one that came with the camera. It cost Php 1,600. Woah. But I need it.
I had a hair cut at Ricky Reyes. Sounds so fucked up I know. But I followed Aldrich's tip. I couldn't decide on whether I was getting a really short cut or to keep my bangs. First I had decided it was time to get rid of my bangs. Then, I looked in a mirror inside of a Furniture store and noticed I kind of looked "suave and cool" with the bangs and all I needed was them to be shortened.
Well, I decided my choice would be influenced like this: 25% of the influence would be from the hairstylist dude, 25% would come from my friends, and 50% of the influence would be from me. Sounds fair.
The hairstylist dude said short hair wouldn't look good on me.
Friends (Kate, Aldrich) said it's basically up to me, but it's good to try something new.
I said I wanted something totally different but in the end I wasn't ready for a dramatic change of hair style.
So, all the elements mixed together and I just had the sides trimmed a bit and the hairstylist dude balanced my slightly long-back and my bangs.
After buying a mattress for my dorm room at the supermarket, we ate at Pizza Hut for dinner before proceeding home where I listened to Beyonce's CD.
So Vanness Wu of F4 has his own version of "Crazy in Love" with Beyonce. I thought he would do something with his good english... but instead, no offense to Taiwanese Mandarin or whatever... but when it was his turn to sing it sounded like he was trying to communicate with chickens. Really. Hello... I don't understand... the things... coming from... YOUR mouth.
***
At home I watched Shrek and then Star Trek: Nemesis. Shrek was funny and now I gotta work on a dubbing script. Star Trek: Nemesis on the other hand was a bit... well, hate to say... shallow? It had one of the most dramatic and longest starship fighting scenes I've ever seen in a Star Trek movie... but there was something about it that lacked. I hope that wasn't the last of Picard's movies... they should do ONE MORE (after that one was supposed to be the LAST one). ONE MORE please. Medjo bitin 'yun ending. Speaking of the ending, it was quite sad. If I were in a movie theater with a bunch of other fans, I would feel the sudden sadness too. So sad...
Ok now, I got to go to sleep and in a few hours wake up early to start getting ready for moving back into my dorm room.
***
Here are the four pillars:
Academics. Midterms baby!! Already. I'm not excited. I now need to carry the weight that I have lost from the Prelims. Return of exam papers and new lessons are up. Research, research, research!!
Heraldo Filipino. I'm not sure whatever happened to the La Salleño, it's behind now. The PERSONA thing I really need to deal with, it's bugging me! And I want to be an early bird by finishing any assigned NEWS articles I have within this week.
AB Comm Channel. A General Assembly is at 1 o'clock PM on Monday and I'm ready to meet up with the new batch of members. Hopefully there are some Broadjourn... I want to get to know them better. And I also want to know if it is possible to start working on my segment, if it was ever approved.
Dormitory. Get well "kurso"-pinsan!! (Tony) Cleaning and perhaps getting to know the first set of people I could know from Building A. When Kate and I where chatting last Saturday night she had met a chatter on the web from DLSU-D who happens to be dorming in A10. Cool. My first person to meet in Building A... Aaron of HRM. Then, from there... his room mates. Then I would know three people.
***
As corny as it may sound, I'd like to start being more independent. I'm currently reading a book entitled "Be Your Own Best Friend" and it's about balancing sacrifice and self and how to be my own best friend. It's sort of working... just need to apply what I've learned to what I'm typing here.
If there's a Miss Independent who could break free from her own problems, there has to be a Mister Independent. (Nyek.) But really. If I could somehow break free from my own problems and restore myself... if I could somehow control my emotions and not let them control me...
*sings* ...what is this feeling taking over...
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