Friday, July 18, 2003
THE TROUBLE WITH BEING MYSELF
The Damage Report - Year 2 - Ending Week #06
Background Music: "Faint" by Linkin Park
NOTE: This is a weekly blog entry that summarizes a series of events of a finished week in and around La Salle.
THERE'S something wrong with being me lately. I completely accept the way I am but it's reached a point where doubt comes creeping in. Straight-out, I'm too nice of a person. I'm too nice I give myself away and I am losing myself.
It isn't just the sight of pain in a friend with an unknown illness. It isn't just the frustrations of an article that seemed to have lost and corrupted itself. It isn't just the preliminaries this past week. It's the whole thing, the whole damn system.
Right now I think something has plagued my College life. The rise and fall? Did I even fucking rise yet? Yes, I now believe in the Sophomore slump more than ever.
First it did start in the dormitories. A person I just met with the potential of long-term conversation relativity suddenly collapsed. He is sick and we don't know what is wrong with him.
Then in the Heraldo Filipino, my Persona article has been troubling me. I don't have a computer of my own to work with and all my diskettes remain with my editors and friends.
Of course, if anyone would know me best, they would know that despite my problems in all sectors... I would always remain on my feet if the one sector I prioritize the most remains standing strong. That sector is JOU2-1.
Why does it feel, now, more than ever, that I am no longer a part of JOU2-1. I feel like my identity is gone. I've started to notice small things have symbolic, perhaps, catastrophic meanings for me. Why, up to now, am I not intimately close in friendship with any of my classmates? I am close to a few, but as much as I want to try and get closer... it's not getting there.
One time I'm talking to a group of my friends about something so serious that bothered me, but all they did was nod their heads and eventually ended up changing topics. Huh?
I never walk out on anyone. I'm one of the last to leave the classroom to make sure everyone is alright. I leave the classroom and when I know everyone is out... some are already halfway down the hall.
I stepped outside of my examination room a few times this past week to find myself pulling out my cellphone looking for my friends. I did check if they went to the Comfort Room or if they chased our professor down the hall... but they were gone most of the time.
Instead, I noticed the other groups in the class. They waited for the unfinished in the examination room. How sweet naman.
I do accept variaty and I know not all groups are the same. I also know that members of my own group in class are very busy and have places to go. I do know that some wait and perhaps I'm just not seeing it correctly.
"George, sa square kami."
But why do I feel empty. 5 minutes won't hurt.
***
It's these small things, when added up, that make the whole thing tip over.
I won't dwell on that any longer. Unless it gets worse.
***
The past week the Preliminary Exams took place. It was late-night reviewing but the sleep was still good since all my exams would start at noon. Meaning, I still had the whole morning to relax and review some notes. I'm comfortable with the schedule.
I had Tony sleep over in F3 after he collapsed again on Monday night. His room mate suggested that we just keep him in F3 rather than carry him down the hall to F7. So Julius carried the matress from F7 and it stayed in F3 the whole week.
Tony would collapse three times during this one week. By observations, the situation is probably getting worse.
I was okay in all exams. I'm not saying I am perfect or near perfect, but I'm saying that I did the best that I could under the extreme circumstances that have bothered me lately.
Not once this week we had a Tropa Dinner. Abbie went home while the rest of the tropa seemed to have found themselves busy otherwise.
Not once in the past three weeks have we had a Broadjourn Dormers' Night Out. And to say, Ayesha and Apple have been added since they've started to dorm now.
I can't find my PERSONA article and I'm having the feeling I am the number one reason the La Salleño looks delayed. Just me. No one else. It's not the editor's fault. It's not the fault of other co-staffers. It's me. It's my fault. My PERSONA article is the single excuse for keeping the LS down lately. Damnit. I'm sorry.
***
No big highlights other than longer-breaks and chilling out at the dormitories and having Tony sleep in so we could watch over him in case he would have a sudden attack again.
***
The trouble with being myself. I'm starting to feel useless myself. I give and I help those around me and yet, my faith in my love of friends is starting to take part in a downward spiral.
I don't want to end up like a selfish loner. That's the complete opposite of what I am right now I think. I'm a selfless helper. I love to help people and talk to people and get to know them more.
All this giving is starting to wear me down. All this sacrifice is draining me. All this trouble of being myself.
Somebody... save me.
Comments:
Post a Comment