Monday, April 22, 2002
042102 Day 111 Sunday 8.0 Sad Sad Weekend
> [song: break me - jewel]
> woke up and felt extremely lazy to get up and out of bed. i dozed off a few more minutes in the heat of summer and in the depression of a departed best friend who went to the states and is expected to arrive at around this time.
- and then nikki txt'd me right before 10am that bryan had arrived safely in New Jersey. for bryan it would be leaving the philippines after lunch saturday and arriving in the united states after dinner on saturday as well. and as he arrived there after dinner, it would be morning here... to be exact, sunday morning. and sunday morning i was lazy.
- i had read the text around an hour late, but replied that i was pleased to know he had arrived safely and that it provides a feeling of closure or conclusion of the sadness of him leaving. now that i know he is there, with his mom and sister Gia... and able to communicate with us. i'm still not happy with him gone, but it's like i could do something about it. he's there now.
- still the depressed feeling happened all day, and gave this weekend that "Sad Sad" effect... graduation alone didn't make me as sad as this... graduation felt like "it happened, it's over, let's move on"... but this was different. if i'm feeling as sad as this, imagine nikki... bryan's girlfriend... and above all, imagine bryan. saying farewell to his friends for so many years, the only girl he's ever loved so much, the whole package.
- i couldn't turn on the computer and became lazy the rest of the early afternoon. i did start on the "100 deep tagalog words" assignment and got up to 70 before surrendering to a cold shower in prep for going to the 4pm mass. dad had some cousins come over who we had never seen in ages (and for me, haven't seen EVER)... some P500 contribution for a poor 6 year old child who is sick. well, my policy "HEALTH NOT WEALTH" applies so give them the P500. no problem, and my prayers for that kid.
- we went to church and sat in the same seat last week. this mass was different, i was deeply reflecting my friendship with bryan the past three years. all our dirty jokes to the star wars infactuation. from our days starting to make expage websites in 2nd year to all the phone calls we shared back then. our arguments and trials, but brought to an end by the will of our interests. in this case i'm not leaving a friend, a friend is leaving me. i'm so used to leaving my good friends and moving on, but now it is me that stays and my friends moving on. i'm just not used to it.
- i thought about erika... who i also miss. she's up in pangasinan, and she's the best friend i have on the girls side. we txt each other every now and then, we share similar interests and patterns when it comes to those problems. we both strive to walk on light, we both have ambition, we are both driven... and let's not go to the relationship talk, but other then that i admire erika so much that i just wish she is safe wherever she is. she's got so much potential, and she's the opposite of bitchy- she's an angel. i guess all this sentiment has been made bolder after candy and joy remain on the hostile side towards me over last friday's "bad timing" incident. again, i don't blame them nor lance, but on sheer "bad timing" on all parties. the twins came late, lance and I had to finish our summer classes which extended just a few minutes after the arranged meeting time, and joy and candy couldn't resist riding with jeff (who could resist that anyways?)... but then again, joy won't answer my txt (and what, this time she talks her problems to sir raffy now like when she has problems with sir raffy she talks to me? haha.)... and i'm keeping my cool even if she's probably calling me "pathetic" and "dense" for me not apologizing yet. i don't owe anyone an apology, i never wanted candy and joy to walk under the hot sun to school, i never wanted them to go to atheneum in the very beginning but joy had insisted they go to the school, yata yata yata.
- i haven't been worried or thinking about the candy-joy angry thing. i'm more focused on how i'm going to pull myself together with bryan gone. plus, as graduates of atheneum and no longer classmates, these fights are so immature and if candy and joy want... just SCREAM at me once, and forget about it. to finally conclude the candy-joy thing, i'll post here what i posted in erika's BLOG (starcast):
- [a sad george (e) (w)
awh man... this has been one sad sad weekend, and if i'm as sad as this- imagine nikki. poor girl. "her boyfriend, my bestfriend" thing goin' on... oh ekai wish you were down here in cavite... and then we'd spend a summers day by a lake and throw rocks in it... and reflect on life lately... oh by the way how is allan and the cousin thing? at least your dealing with "decision", not absolute "sadness". i miss bryan already, sucks he has to leave... what happened to all the dirty jokes i could tell him!! ~_- well erika, joy and candy are pissed off at me... and not lance or just both of us... but only me. i keep thinking "we're out of atheneum now" and all these "pissed off" and "fights" are so immature. could they just shout once, let it pass, and get together again? and then i bet joy is going to call me "dense" again and "pathetic"... and candy will just txt me again "we're having a great time! (not at bryan's) you don't need to worry about us, we're having a BALL!"... well f*ck that, they could win a thousand pesos and a free movie BUT THEY DIDN'T SPEND IT with bryan... they just gave up over walking under the hot sun in which i never asked them to do in the first place. check your e-mail erika ok... good night. =)
- (4/21/2002 8:05:25 AM) ]
- which reminds me, i started BLOG of my own... "third charm" and i'm going to continously pursue making it in the meantime prior to making my personal website in May.
> so after church, which went by a little more swiftly since i was spiritually thinking all the time, we went to jollybee so i could get a pre-dinner. uncle teddy was on a motorcycle and across the street. we didn't take the drive thru since it was a long line (and yes, a long line of cars is... well, long). mom and dad ordered while i stayed in the owner. we left and arrived home wherein i got a chance to park the car once again in the garage from the street. i wasn't that bad, i just did it too fast.
- i crashed into my room and looked at my cellphone. i had made the greatest mistake this afternoon which didn't make the sadness of bryan's departure go away... it made it tougher. i was trying out the "copy" feature of my cellphone to get all the numbers from my SIM and feeding it to the PHONE. I did so and was pleased, but found out that the address book was now twice as long... and each person would repeat itself as both PHONE and SIM reveal to me the numbers. i grew irritated and deleted all the duplicate numbers on the phone side... and found out all the voicetags were erased including bryan's "Hello", the one he said during to despidida. it made me sad... i could no longer hear his voice on my cellphone. lance's was also erased, but with him in summer classes and in my dorm room in the next few months... lance could try it and try it again and again... but with bryan... i'm sooooo sorry. ='.(
- i guess other people would be laughing at how i'm so obsessed with a friend. i get attached to friends, especially those who are true and forever kind to me with unconditional love and understanding. even up to now, it is so hard to find these people. there are always "90%" of these times around, but that missing "10%" counts to get me attached to them. i've known Bryan since 1st Year, and our friendship intensified in 2nd year with those "EXORO/PLATAGO" 1/4th pad paper games... to those "OK, YOU'RE ON A RAFT AND YOU'RE STARVING" continue-the-story days... the days in 4th year we'd commute together and he'd stop over at my house to where he'd be picked up by his uncle in that white van... to our McDo memories with chope rubbing ice cream all over his lips... our many classroom jokes and comments. there were many times in 4th year that i doubted our friendship would get stronger, i mean at times that "3/4th" fraction thing came again wherein he was the closest to what i was looking for but always had one or two things that spun me off... like his incredible unplotted schedule with several "we'll see", "maybe", "i don't know" which drove me nuts... but all was balanced when he finally and unconditionally txt'd me in one of his last txt's to me that one word i had been waiting in all my friendship history to be said to me.... to be called of me... "buddy". he said it, that one word alone.
- i guess i can slowly move away now and ahead. heh heh, lance for a change? i'll see... it isn't really being forced upon by bryan's departure, but more of a requirement. i'm going to be sleeping in the same room with Lance and Lance and I could act strongly as stronger friends... i just don't know and at this exact moment 11:40 PM 4/21/02 i don't think it's even possible with the our many differences... we'll have to wait and see.
- in the evening i finally switched on the computer, used the internet... started a BLOG and found out there's no more internet time after tonight. i barely watched the studio 23 sitcoms this evening... and only part of Temptation Island 2 with the replacement couples arriving on the island. i mostly tried to keep busy (and not finish 25 more words for my assignment)... trying to ease my mind.
- and prior to making this journal entry i decided to look up "Paramus" which is supposed to be Bryan's hometown in New Jersey. I searched in my termite cabinet (freaky name i know) for the CD with a flashlight, found it and inserted it. I found "Paramus" New Jersey alright, and measured it with the kilometer-tool... guess what, "Paramus, New Jersey" is within 30 kilometers of NEW YORK CITY... it was so visibly close to NEW YORK CITY that i was surprised. no wonder bryan told me that his parents had experienced lots of changes with airplanes and helicopters flying all around during 9/11 last year. it's because PARAMUS is basically at the border between New Jersey and the City of New York.
- i conclude this journal entry. my room is slightly a mess, and the lamp on the N-table next to my bed has the framed black and white picture of our "group" (this group according to lance once again, never existed... to me, maybe it didn't exist but it brought together different personalities who tried the hardships of high school and experienced it together in some invisible way... ranging from simple friendships and fights to relationships) on it. i look at it closely now and remember the days back then.
- it's 11:45 PM 4/21/02 and i need to get to sleep. bryan, wherever in New Jersey you are (like Paramus)... good morning. im sure it's 11:45am or 10:45am or something like that... i can't say anything else... i still can't say anything else... only that i miss you too, buddy.
- good night.
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