Saturday, January 10, 2004
PLEASE LET ME CRY
The Damage Report - Year 2 - Ending Week #26
Background Music: "Have You Ever?" by Brandy (a classic)
NOTE: This is a weekly blog entry that summarizes a series of events of a finished week in and around La Salle.
THE first school week of the new year has just ended. Things are different now for me. The four-day week was this first stretch of some fucked up long journey.
Results of our Prelim exams came out and so did our Prelim grades. I failed one subject for the prelim, which was Logic. It was because of the prelim exam. In PHED104, I was just passed by a small margin... because she didn't receive any of my assignments. I thought I passed it in, or maybe I forgot to pass in my photocopy. I thought it was just research! In REED104, I was surprised with my grade. I was satisfied! In Computer Applications (Internet), I help so many people out in class and I get a flat grade of 2.00... arrrg. It was that way because of my low quizzes daw. And in World Litt, he didn't give our prelim grade out yet but I'm sure my grade won't be that bad.
For my majors, the entire class was disappointed with their grade in COMM145 except Keith. Heheh. Everyone's exam results were just terrible! I got 70/100. Keith got a 95, and was the highest. I was expecting an 80+... for goodness sakes I work for the University publication! So many people were disappointed. However, in the prelim grade I was satisfied enough with my COMM145 grade of 2.25 (78.5). I felt more secure with a 2.25 than a line of 1 grade.
In Broadcasting, that robot voice I had on radio that Sir didn't like barely had an effect on my grade. I was so shocked when I saw an 87.3! I might have to double check that! Wow! As in, I was expecting a 70 something... 87.3 registers as a 3.00! I txt'd Abbie, Lance, and Tony the news since I was just so happy in the classroom and I didn't want to brag to my seatmates... I was just overjoyed.
We don't have our prelim things yet for Laws of Mass Media. That subject is scary, very scary.
Minor Subjects:
LITT102-World: Unknown
COMP101L-Internet: 2.00
PHED104-Volleyball: 1.00
PHLO101-Logic: 0.00 (54)
REED104-Sacraments: 3.00 (85)
Major Subjects
COMM145-Journalism: 2.25 (78.5)
BRJM101L-Broadcasting: 3.00 (87.3)
BRJM102-Laws: Unknown
***
On My Own
I admit, during the first half of this past week I was doing my best to ignore someone. That embarassing obsession with friendship has somehow left a mark on this person. I didn't want to talk to this person unless this person talked to me.
It was hard. Seeing this person just made me want to talk about so many things, but I just couldn't. I don't want to "hug people too tight" nowadays after what this person told me last Holiday break. I'm giving this person what they want and during the first two days of the week, I might have exaggerated it a bit. But I felt like I had to.
Love on Pause
We didn't even speak once this week. It was strange, but at some times, it felt like it was just normal. I wasn't in the mood to talk to her this past week. I don't know... maybe it was because she didn't reply during the Holidays. Maybe she didn't have load... but she does have load! This is crazy.
If she's giving me silent feedback, then someone close to me suggested I do the same. Reverse psychology and just give silence in return. I'm not mad at her or anything, no not at all. I guess there's silence between us for now.
Losing Grip
This past week I also didn't engage in any long conversation with my best friend Lance. I had all this sentimental reflections over the break about having friends and he kept the distance he wanted. He's not the best friend type, I know that. But he's still the longest person I've known.
I'm tired of it. There's this part of me screaming "Go ahead and leave the country, I don't care that much like I used to." He can go to Florida, round up all the latina girls he wants, and just screw 'em. That was my mentality this past week. I just felt so damn cold.
Here's to you too, Aquarius.
Conversations of the Deep
I shared two deep conversations with people at the end of the week. The first was with Kate, we spoke at Square canteen for over an hour about things that bothered us the most recently. Of the people who know my deepest problems, it's her and Tom Wagan.
I also shared this really long conversation with Tom on Friday night about the best friend issh I've had. He counciled me and it helped when I told him about everything. Thanks for being my listening ear Tom!
I wanted to have a deep conversation with Abbie and with Aldrich respectively, but it just didn't turn out that way.
Demo Tape
I went home on Wednesday night to produce my demo tape for Intro to Broadcasting. I slept at 4am that day and arrived at La Salle around 10am. It was the first time I went home during the middle of the week and returned to La Salle before my first class on that day. We watched this weird video of Bill Gates, technology, and his house in the Seattle area.
We submitted the Demo Tape on Friday.
At least somethings finished
Hey guess what. If one year ago (January 2003) I was problematic about someone who I thought could've been my twin when it comes to that best friend issh I HAD... I just noticed that recently I'm through with it! I no longer feel stupid when I'm around this person. It's like all that bullshit back then dissolved now. The whole "recent events" thing covered it up completely.
***
I failed to capture moments this past week on camera. I just wasn't in the mood. Holding a camera and telling people to smile would've been bullshit for me this past week. I didn't want to smile. In fact, I just wanted to cry this week. Cry to let all that fucking emotion out. Cry to refreshen my eyes so I can see a new me.
Please let me cry.
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