Sunday, January 25, 2004
TO BURN COMPLETELY
Carpe Noctem (Seize the Night) - Year 2 - Starting Week #29
Background Music: "Lately" by Stevie Wonder
NOTE: This is a weekly blog entry that is posted at the start of the week prior to moving into my dormitory.
THAT'S the poem I'm looking for right now for World Litt. Our class was divided into several groups for several poems and short stories to be presented. I think, if everything is on-schedule, we will be presenting it on Friday (we're the last group).
It's been over a month now for one person and for another it's been over two months. I don't count the days like back in High School. And no, what I'm talking about isn't a fight but rather a reference to this damn emptiness.
I don't know if I'm even in love anymore since the feeling that love doesn't love me swept through me. Wait, was I ever in love in the first place?
Happy 19th Birthday to my best friend Lance. I'm trying to tone down using the term "best friend". I mean, does he ever use it? No. He's not even the type to use it.
I want a best friend who'll say that I'm his or her best friend too. Is that much to ask for? It's not the hardest job, mind you. If you have an open heart willing to help people and give them advice and put loyalty and trust above all, then that's everything.
Damn... why do I hang myself over this issue. It's actually OVER but I'm hoping it dies down with January... a month I love to hate. Two January's (2003 and 2004) of misery and depression.
What is it they don't like me? I don't see what's wrong with me. They are showing all signs wanting me to change but when you ask them if they want you to change... they tell you to stay put and stay the same.
After Tony, I gave up searching. I trashed the issue and moved ahead to focus on other things. Did I forget to mention that last week while I was in his dorm room typing my article, I saw my Christmas Card on his bed?! I was shocked the moment I saw it and everything went into flashback mode.
I'm not angry and at that time I became aloof towards him and myself. Then I get all these things entering my head like how come he hasn't really introduced me to most of his friends (I've introduced to him to what, um... 50 people already?!). Then other thoughts like how he doesn't reply often to txt msgs even when they're so simple to answer...
F3 is so quiet without him. I walked into my dorm room last week on a Thursday night and Jan Arian was just lying down while Alex was playing Freedom Force on his laptop. I swear it was so quiet I had to take Tony's position and start being loud and funny to everyone.
Sigh.
To you Lance, again, a Happy Birthday.
***
It seems the issue that isn't even supposed to be an issue is what I'm tending to use to cover up the bigger issue which is about what started on November 20, 2003 that ended briefly just days after.
Badge. I see her and I want to talk to her but why does it feel like if you get near her, she'll want to walk away and escape? I think I'm traumatized during the pre-christmas season when everytime I approached her or txt'd her she would suddenly be in this hurried state to get away.
Flashback: Badge running out of the classroom after I wanted to talk to her.
Flashback: Those many nights when she wouldn't reply to my txt's.
Flashback: The times she can't even approach me, who is still her friend no matter what.
In early January I said to myself that I'm not ready for a relationship. Simply being surrounded by dozens of lovebirds and couples shouldn't force me or push me to have a girlfriend, that would be so fake.
There are still things I'm trying to figure out now. My career, which is constantly being constructed, and where I specifically want it to take me. My organizations like HF and Comm Ch, should I leave or should I stay? My personality, should it be changed slightly to decrease the chances of hurting myself or should it remain the same which many people say make me so likable? Do I deserve a best friend after so many years without one who'd say, think, and feel the same towards me?
I'm just this hopeless romantic. Waiting for the day or the moment when you meet the one you'd spend the rest of your life with. That one moment in time where everything slows down. That movie moment when your heart skips a beat and just by looking into her eyes you know "SHE'S THE ONE."
If ever that moment happens, it will produce enough energy for me to love this person through thick and thin.
I'm just not the type willing to go from girl to girl, searching. The fling-fling thing isn't me... but what if it was me? What if suddenly I just surprised everyone and show them a part of me that is careless and free... wild and spirited... a flirt or playa.
She's got to be out-going. She's got to love friends and be willing to meet my friends. She's got to be studying something she loves to study just like me.
These days I want to do something spontaneous. Like cut my hair short and bleach it to look like Tidus of FFX... or to leave an organization and take some time off to hang out at Cyberkada with the guys.
***
Academics/JOU2-1. Lots of catching up to do and lessons to be completed. This week is the last week of the Midterm period prior to the Midterm exams. My academics have been terrible recently. I just have to salvage what is left of it and start climbing up again.
Heraldo Filipino. I submitted my news articles and this week it's safe to say that I am really excited in getting to work on my Lasalleño articles. I have a feeling the two articles I have for LS won't be the last ones... maybe I'll get assigned more. So I better start digesting them now so I can digest more later.
AB Comm Channel/ISA. I wouldn't like to comment on this at this time.
Dormitory/Tropa. Read the main body of this "Carpe Noctem" entry.
***
Lance or Tony.. and especially Badge... will you ever know?!
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